WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

You wouldn't believe the amount of work I can avoid creating lists of things. Enjoy!

1. Prince Fielder - Part of me (the part my dad raised) wants to crack a joke about the wide availability of excellent faux-chicken options now available to vegetarians, but i'm going to take the high road here and not deal in ugly stereotypes. Prince is claiming to feel better and have more energy now that he quit eating meat. 62 bombs out of the question this season?

"It's Korean for "I hate my Dad""

2. 11 year old boys - I guess all it takes to sink Roger Clemens' Scrabbleship is photographic evidence he attended a party thrown by Jose Canseco. Nice circle you ran with Rodge, did you spend winters in Columbia with Rick James?

3. Tiger Woods - I don't claim to know or care about golf, but this guy wakes up next to a woman that is both crazy hot and would have Hitler nod approvingly at, and shits birdies.

4. The Combine - If the whole "football" thing doesn't work out, NFL hopefuls can probably just set up shop in Indianapolis and settle for a dead-end manufacturing position and an overweight wife. 

5. Trading - All the movement in the NBA this week has me almost excited enough to watch a game! Almost...

25,000,001 Reasons to Live

I'm not a pro athlete or anything, but I imagine some celebrity hoops MVP hardware would soothe the pain of any colossal playoff failure. TO led some B-listers to victory over some other B-listers in a game that was filled with enough stereotyping to qualify as a pitch for a Wayans brothers project.


Taylor Hicks executing the classic mouth agape head fake. Might want to dish whitey. What? I'm just saying, he's got some gray lettuce.







"That's my friend Stacy. I got her some auditions in Hollywood, but after Charmed ended I had to steal the Sheer Cover infomercial from her. She's pretty cute, huh? If you introduce me to Luke, we could all double."








Balling against insignificant white and asian celebs is fun.













Terry Crews attempts to make amends for doing Soul Plane. Taylor Hicks might be buying it, but I'm sure as hell not.

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

An excuse for me to list things and make fun of them anyone? Read on...

1. Purple Jesus - Who would've thought that the second coming of Christ would wear horns? My only concern is awarding a black man a Cadillac for athletic achievement. Way to set the African American community back 50 years with a single thoughtless action, NFL.

When is the "Nubian Powerhouse" Christ statuette going to be available?

2. Pitchers/Catchers - All innuendo aside, with the state of the NBA today, i'm really pumped for both pitching AND catching.

3. Ryan Dempster - Boldly stated this week that the Cubs will break the 100 year World Series drought. This coming from the guy who's fans, IN CHICAGO mind you, refer to him as the "Cum Dempster". 

4. Devean George - Way to pull the ultimate cock block on the Kidd/Cuban circle jerk. What's this guys encore? A dramatic recreation of the Jason Kidd domestic abuse incident with the New Jersey Dramatic Player's Troupe, broadcast on Dallas public access?

5. President's day - Is this celebrating all Presidents? Or just the obviously racist/masoginistic models who are fluffed by patriotic history buffs? Either way who cares, I get the day off.

Belle of the Ball(s)

Brady Quinn was part of a group of men shouting insults at gay passers-by outside a Columbus bar early on New Year's Day, according to a 9-1-1 call made to police. The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill... The Mexican restaurant is next door to... one of Columbus' most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

One of these three men is now a known homophobe, yet all their collars are down...

On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that "Brady Quinn from the Browns" was "trying to cause a fight." Harris told the operator, "I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course."

Brady Quinn Sr. was unavailable for comment.

Time Outs? Who Needs ‘Em

A new line of Sports Diapers called “Sprints” has been tested and approved by the FDA this morning. Gerber Inc. (GBR) said in a news conference that their company is moving on to new horizons in the sports market. “Surely at the very least these sports diapers will save on time outs,” said Gerber CEO Wiley T. Square.

F.H. Hump Day Poll (Valentimes Edition):

Who do you want to make Sweet Love to the most?

Uno (KFC Winner), Juwanna Mann (WNBA Star), Magic Johnson (NBA Activist)

It's funny because it's true

I'm not going to categorize this as a shocking revelation, but Chris Berman loves the sound of his own voice, even during outakes. Calling Al Michaels fuckhead is pretty weak though. The only shocking revelation is that it apparently takes Boomer more than thirty-two seconds to come up with one of his patented unfunny play on names.

A 3 year deal, A 3 year deal

On Monday Minnesota hoops fans broke out in a rewarding round of laughter so loud, that it could've woke Amy Winehouse after a four day crack bender. It seems our old buddy Latrell Sprewell is in a bit of a financial crisis.

Former NBA star Latrell Sprewell's home is up for foreclosure and his yacht sold at auction to help pay off the $1.3 million he owes on the boat, according to court filings.

Sprewell, who once turned down a three-year,$21 million contract extension saying, "I've got my family to feed," has apparently fallen on tough times. RBS Citizens NA, or Citizens Bank, filed a foreclosure suit last week in Milwaukee County for the $405,000 home Sprewell bought in the Milwaukee suburb of River Hills in 1994.

Last month, Sprewell's 70-foot yacht, named "Milwaukee's Best," was sold at auction for $856,000 to a man from Milwaukee. It was originally worth about $1.5 million.
A federal marshal seized the boat last summer in Manitowoc, about 80 miles north of Milwaukee, where it was in storage.
Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press

"Make me an offer son. Cassell once had a threesome with Gary Payton and Penny Marshall right on the bow."

You know you're screwed when you can't afford a home in a Milwaukee suburb. I guess 21 million doesn't go as far as it used to. By the way, kudos to anyone who picks up on my Gilligan's Island pun.

Farewell Sweet Prince

It's a travesty that the "game face" clip didn't top this list. Either way I'm going to miss that surly son of a bitch.

More choking than a Briana Banks film

As a final wrap-up on the Superbowl, enjoy a Pat's fan. In misery.

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

How else would you know what is POWERFUL without this?

1. Shaunie O'Neal - Taking Diesel for half, and getting the entire city of Miami while Shaq gets shipped to the sweaty sphincter of America? You'll have to allow me a "You go girl!"

"Laugh it up big man, cause imma be handlin' more Cuban pork than a South Beach Deli."

2. The Ghost of Wellington Mara - Downside: You died before you saw your team win the big one with Eli. Upside: You had snuff film producer/connoiseur money.

3. Alternates - Congratulations to the Foot Ballers that will play the meaningless game this weekend. But remember, if it wasn't for Brady and Moss taking a pass to lotion each other's sore vaginas, you'd just be another millionaire athlete in Continental America.

4. Pau Gasol - May your European values be a beacon of light in your new home of plastic and fast talking. I give you 3 weeks until the news leaks that you're banging Fernando Valley porn starlets.

5. Michael Irvin - I think that there may be Teflon interlaced into this guy's DNA. Seriously, how is this guy NOT in jail?

Gonzalez invited to Cards camp, strains oblique

"I like White Woman"

On Monday the St. Louis Cardinals invited two-time MVP Juan Gonzalez to training camp as a non-roster player.

The 38-year-old Gonzalez last played in 2005 with the Cleveland Indians, when he injured his hamstring on the first at bat of the season. He has 434 career homers- one for each of his illegitimate children.

On Wednesday Gonzalez began rehabbing an oblique muscle that he strained while hanging up the phone after accepting the Cardinals invitation.

What's In A Name?

After much debate on what to call David Tyree's exhilarating catch in Super Bowl XLII, Sports Illustrated released their special Super Bowl issue yesterday dubbing, what might have been the greatest catch in SB history, "The Immaculate Snatch."
Women in the community are in an uproar stating that the cover of this magazine is vulgar and makes them feel vulnerable.
Moms everywhere are asking for the issue to be pulled from shelves.

Yes, it certainly seems to be raining shit on "Coop" Cooper

New England Patriots defensive back Willie Andrews pleaded not guilty to drug possession Tuesday, hours after authorities said they found him with a half-pound of marijuana. Andrews was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute and driving an unregistered motor vehicle. Prosecutors said he had $6,800 in cash, three bags of marijuana, and no means to smoke the drugs, unless you count the notepad in the console, and the erroneously pre-printed "Pats Win, Cap Perfect Season" Boston area newspapers in the back seat. We can only assume he was buying for an entire team, looking to numb themselves until sometime in June.

I can't argue. Drugs were introduced to the ghetto to keep the black man down...But if you can score some primo, and I mean PRIMO shit, then get a little for ol' BB. It really loosens up the married women.

They want to be a part of it, New York, New York!

"Hey Eli, let's see that beeeoootch take this in the divorce."

An eclectic mix of fair-whether fans, coked out stockbrokers, and dippy Manhattan school chums came out of the woodwork today in the Big Apple for a giant celebration(hehehe). That's right Roker, I didn't even watch the Today show this morning and I know that's how one you douchebags announced it to America, my money's on that obnoxious cougar Viera. New York is truly a melting pot. It doesn't matter what part of the world you're from, in this town you can jump on the bandwagon anytime, why just ask some dipshit soccer fan from Morocco...

Fans threw hats to the players, who signed them and threw them back. Mehdi Machkour, a 26-year-old restaurant worker from Brooklyn, wasn't quite sure which two players signed his hat. The native of Morocco is more of a soccer fan, but this day brought a big change.

"Now I love football," he said.

Spoken like a true New Yorker.

Horseshoes and Hand-Grenades.

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio reports that, if it turns out that former Patriots employee Matt Walsh has in possession video of the Rams’ final walk-through practice from Super Bowl XXXVI, New England head coach Bill Belichick will be suspended. For a year. 

In your face, jackass. Now next time take something to clear up your cold sores before doing interviews for the BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR.

Christ, tell Osi to try and mix in a glass of water here and there...

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

Here's our weekly list of the most powerful things in sports. Enjoy the big game...

1. Art Monk - Here's to hoping that 81 gets his bust in Canton, vindictive writers be damned... 

"Hey, when you guys let me down, you wanna go kick Peter King's fat ass?"

2. The Puppy Bowl - Less pooping than a night out with Osi Umenyora!!!

3. Lane Kiffin - Thanks for looking Al Davis in his Jewish Granny glasses and saying "Fuck You Old Man"

4. Little Brothers - Smart money is on Eli taking Jordan Palmer under his wing, and showing him the intricacies of looking completely dumbfounded.

5. Taking Monday off...For me, Superbowl 42 is like getting one last go round in with your Ex. You might be pissed about the situation, but tying one on and going for broke still feels good.