Friday, October 3, 2008

I know, I couldn't believe they offered me $37 million either!

Perennial fantasy fuck-up Lee Evans just got a four-year, $37.25 million contract extension Thursday which included $18.25 million in guarantees. Here we are in the midst of a $700 billion congressional and senate bail-out and a guy with one TD in four games becomes one of the highest paid receivers in the league. Fuck you Buffalo Bills mangement.

Boo effing hoo

Listen, I know what you're thinking. But we're taking the series back to Milwaukee and if there's anything that fires up multi-millionaire athletes it's the screaming adulation of 47,000 obscenely drunk fans. 

We played well, Sabbathia got caught sleeping on one pitch and it burned us bad. I'm now going to prepare my bed pan and cooler for the big game 3 tilt at Miller Park, the finest base-ball facility in North America, if not the world. Speaking of which...


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Tonight's Pick'em: Sarah got mad game

Brewers over Phillies- This isn't even a fair fight. Carsten Charles has been loading up on cheese steaks for the last 48 hours. He'll have enough carbs to take a victory lap wearing the Liberty Bell as a hat. Brett Meyers get rocked and calls another writer a "retard" during the post game. Boom, outta here. Memo to all Brewers, steer clear of the shitters after the 8th.

Cubs over Dodgers- This is basically a coin flip. Me thinks Big Z pitches well and the Cubs get the bats going. This pick is win-win for me personally. If the Cubs win I'm right. If they lose I get to watch their fans walk to the exits like they just took part in the world's first mass colonoscopy. I think Katie Couric would be pleased.

Biden over Palin- Palin's previous debate experience included a gubernatorial bloodbath between her and two other douche bags, who bickered for 2 hours. She stood off to the side, made some witty comments and never had to prove she had a grasp on the issues. To be honest, I'm hoping Palin falls flat on her face. I'd love to wake up tomorrow and see Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar gang banging Elisabeth Hasselbeck on this issue until she cries. I have to tell myself there's nothing wrong with watching The View to see people get emotionally hurt.

Let's get crazy we just beat them Cowboys!

Jim Zorn went back to the George Allen archives for this cheese-wiener celebration. Now that I think about it, Allen might have been the last Skins coach to win at Dallas. Seriously when was the last time those turds won in Dallas? Anyways I'm sure it was orange slices and Mountain Dew for the effort those boys put forth.

Ode to a dying breed...

One of my fondest childhood memories came at age 6 when was I sitting in the living room watching Slap Shot on our newfangled VCR. It was me, my old man, my little bro and two neighbor kids 7 years older than me. All of the sudden dad jumps up, kneels in front of the screen and starts beating on the TV like the reception was bad. My two neighbors were going ape-shit, "Get outta the way!", they chuckled. Years later I would discover that the old man had indeed prevented me from seeing my first topless woman, the bastard. Oh yes, at the tender age of 6 I had missed out on the Reg Dunlop-Hanrahan's wife topless pillow talk scene.

Paul Newman made plenty of great movies, but what seperates him from the jerkoff Hollywood headliners of today is the fact that he's a man's man. I mean honestly, if you hear anyone say they can relate to Brad Pitt or George Clooney punch that asshole in the mouth. Oh yeah, Paul also raised about a quarter of a billion dollars for various charitable causes, and you never saw him bragging about it. I can see why so many women wanted to sleep with this man. I mean that in a straight way ladies.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Schadenfreude, it feels so good...

Yes, the Brewers lost, but they looked OK doing it. Now those north-side cock tasters got ab-so-fucking-lutely drubbed on their own shitty, decrepit turf.

"Who would've thought I'd grow so attached to this team after just 2.5 months of being a fan?"

All the Amstel Light and North Face jackets in the world won't ease this pain, fuckers.

Witness a jaded town

Everyone meet Michelle. She's just your average Wrigleyviller throwin' back an Old Style(Amstel Light) before the NLDS at Wrigley. After sporting a league best regular season record the Cubbies reverted to shells of their last 100 years with a game one loss.

Note to Michizzle, your parents didn't pay good money for your education so you could relocate to the most superficial neighborhood in the Midwest and embrace a bunch of losers. And the Cubs too.

F. U. Cubs/Phillies

The last time the Crew was in the playoffs I was wearing diapers. We take even one of these games in Philly and i'm going to need them again I'll be so drunk for the Miller Park Playoff debut on Saturday night.

"Oy! This Manischewitz really burns the eyes, doesn't it? Oh you wonderful Goyam!"