Thursday, January 31, 2008

F*ck me...

Jesus H. Christ that stings.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

You can skip the Superbowl...

Why watch the Pats mercilessly beat the Giants in HD, when you can see it in Tecmo Super Bowl 8-Bit glory?
The First Half

The Second Half

St. Luke’s Hospital to hold Celebrity Mercy Tournament for the Homeless.

Early August Event:
All proceeds will go to that guy who rides his girls bike on the railroad tracks. Among some of the more high profile Mercy competitors will be Shaquile O'Neal, Brett Favre, Arsenio Hall, and John "Step Right Up"Carney. "August 3rd will be a day of agony for some, and ironing for others" Shaq says.

F.H. Hump Day Poll:

Hey Billy, who'd you rather bone?
Deanna Favre or Princess Diana?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Santana CD's to be sold on eBay

Available for Batmitzvahs
Tuesday afternoon's deal involving Johan Santana set off a firestorm of activity in the Twins multimedia department. Shortly after the announcement, all Santana CD's were immediately removed, and set to be sold on eBay. There were some hugs and tears as "Smooth", "Black Magic Woman", Oye Como Va", and "Evil Ways" played for the last time.

Somewhere Carlos Santana was putting his hands together and bowing.

Gasolina? No mas.

The Twins traded a goatee that would make Tom Selleck wet for a bag of NY Mets chin pubes on Tuesday afternoon. It is surely raining shit on Minnesota sports fans. In what has become an almost annual tradition the "land of lakes" lost its third superstar in four years to a slob infested east coast city. Oh well, at least we didn't trade him to the Cowboys. We brought three Lombardi trophies to that toilet, and I still can't get laid in Texas.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

KG makes rare 4th quarter appearance

Career fourth quarter Siegfried and Roy disciple Kevin Garnett stole the ball from Minnesota's Sebastian Telfair as time expired to seal an unimpressive 87-85 Celtics victory last night in Boston. Thank God the Celtics didn't need a score from #5 in the closing seconds, I don't know who he would've passed to now that Dean Garrett is retired.

"Dem titties was out to HERE!"
Watch yourself Danny Ainge. If the "Ticket" comes into your office and demands that you sign Joe Smith and Troy Hudson do what McHale wouldn't, politely close the door in his face.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Peyton on Eli: Don't sell him short...

In an interview given to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Peyton Manning claims that Superbowl 42 will not be the only appearance in the big game by his younger brother. Citing his knowledge of the game, receivers, youth and the physical gifts bestowed from their father, Manning refuses to believe that the tandem of brother's success is a fluke. This is clearly a sibling Superstar duo that will leave it's mark on the world like no other...

"Think anyone knows we killed Heath Ledger?"
"No, Just keep not eating..."

Deck the halls with balls of Rory

Tiger Woods agitator, and hair gel enthusiast Rory Sabbatini kicked off what should be a pretty nondescript 2008 PGA season this week. Rory's leader board status at the Buick Invitational dropped faster than Bruce Jenner's dignity after marrying into a family of whores, or Botox, or maybe it was a little bit of both. Nonetheless, the little guy couldn't stay in the hunt when he saw Tiger Woods began making the Torrey Pines course his bitch. I know how you feel Rory. In fact I had that same feeling today at the sub shop when some douchey office worker pulled out a list of sandos for every swingin' dick with a cubicle. Unfortunately there's nothing to do except look at the guy or player next to you and let out an "Ah, fuck me."

What's Your Soup Du Jour?

The Campbell Soup Company (CPB) released a statement today saying that they have fired current quarterback spokesperson Donovan McNabb and will be shopping for a new quarterback for their Fully Loaded line of Chunky soups. Campbell’s Fully Loaded line is said to be, “Packed, crammed, and jammed with extreme amounts of meat!” and that “Chunky Fully Loaded takes soup to the next level.” Vice President of Food Operations exec. Tom Gettsburg said, “Donovan’s numbers have been lack luster this season” and he “can’t see Donovan taking their soups to that next level in the future.” It is rumored that McNabb will be looking to work for the Minnesota based Hormel Foods Corp. (HML) next year. McNabb’s agent could not be reached for comment.

In related news, the revered Reverend Al Sharpton is calling for the community to boycott Campbell’s Soup. Stating that it is racist. “Until this company of debauchery and ratfinkery changes its racist ad from “In the Black Can” to the more politically correct “In the Afri-Can.””


We couldn't let you go into a weekend sans football without letting you know the most powerful things in the world of sports. Here's our breakdown...

1. Jim Brown: Scolding Tiger for not being angry enough AND KILLING MARTIANS!?! This guy should be Obama's running mate.

"The N-word is not acceptable on this planet, sir."
2. Lawrence Tynes: Thanks for ruining this week, next week and the Superbowl for me.
3. LaDanian Tomlinson: Moving to what many will consider the backside of his career=Better fantasy draft spot for me? (my league scores bonus points for sideline pouting)
4. Vinny Cerato: Proving that someone was taking notes from the Paulie Walnuts School of Style and Management.
5. Mouse will Play to cover 3 SOLID drunks, and 14 hours of Halo 3 against Cat's Away.

F.H. Off Topic - Floating Bags: Not as Beautiful As Once Thought

Flaming Homer headquarters received an anonymous tip today that evidentially short films capturing floating garbage bags in the wind are not as beautiful as they were in 1999.
An unidentified man claimed to have captured a two-minute video on his cell phone of a Super America bag that was blowing around a snow bank outside of his workplace. His apparent intention was to email the video to his long time girlfriend as an early Valentine’s Day present.
“(She) just watched it over my shoulder at our computer with this perplexed look and a crinkled up nose. Afterward she left the room without saying anything to me.” he said. “She just didn’t get it. She never gets it.” Adding, “It may have been because one of my work buddies uses the snow bank as a makeshift urinal sometimes, but I’m not sure.”
Ten years ago reported the Floating Bag genre of videos made it to the number one way for someone who thinks deeply to express their own creativity.

RETRACTION: Simpson/Romo still on

Apparently we jumped the gun on the split. Cheers to the happy couple. May she bring the Smiley Coyote many more years of big game chicken choking.

"You see darling, it's a fine balance of lubrication and cocaine."

Thursday, January 24, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Romo/Simpson Part ways

Acclaimed smiler, and playoff choke artist, Tony Romo, has sent Jessica Simpson packing. Insiders sight Romo's lack of "confidence" as a sore spot for Simpson's unsatiable sexual appetite (or so my penis speculates).

"So wait...The dead baby shark goes where?"

Marko Jaric--2008 NBA Man of the Year

Amid the spectacle of the two week Xanax fest that is the Super Bowl layover, there is sure to be plenty of who's banging who dish. Tom Brady's got Gisele to dress him in effeminate boots, while the big, blue, defecation machine(allegedly) Osi Umenyiora is getting all loose booty on V.S. model Selita Ebanks. Too bad neither of these two "winners" have shit on Marko Jaric. The Minnesota Celtics swing man is shacking up with another V.S. wax er, Adriana Lima.

"Coach, you've got to get a wiff of this pie."

7 and 34 doesn't sound so bad now, huh dildo? Look, anyone playing in the Super Bowl is bound to pull some ass, but to be pulling it on a semi-pro NBA squad and be eastern European? Hell. That's the stuff heroes are made of.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

We beat your punk ass...

Congratulations to Stephen A. Smith, for deciding to slum it with us bloggers! To welcome Stephen A., let us introduce ourselves here at Flaming Homers... 

We're like the white people equivalent of  "Barbershop", without all the ethnic yukyuks and the low-grade despair.

"I betch y'all I could take this thing all the way down to the cord. No gag reflex!"

Pujols clean, cites fear of God

After booting a St. Louis news crew from his Monday press conference for incorrectly naming him in the Mitchell Report, Cards slugger Albert Pujols fired back at doubters. This shout-out to the man upstairs ought to do the trick, or he just gave Kid Rock an idea for his next shitty single:

"How much better can I get? Only God knows. Do I need to cheat in this game to get better? This is a hobby, man. I fear God too much to do stupid things in this game. Cheating on this game, that's not right."

Baseball is a hobby you say? Unknown to many outside of the Cards organization, Pujols' official function with the team is using his forehead as a projection screen for breaking down opposing pitchers. In a related story, still no word from Chuck Knoblauch on his subpoena. Don't expect much praise for the almighty though. It's possible Knoblauch is still a little salty over the lack of divine intervention he received in the 2000 season when he couldn't keep his throws to 1st base from hitting Keith Olbermann's mom in the face.

Holmgren Way to be re-routed to SeaWorld

Looks like Mike Holmgren will be back to coach another high-expectation, low output season in Seattle. Details of the contract length are unavailable, but his new salary will include plenty of fresh fish, and positive reinforcement when he rears back and claps.

Photograph:In the walrus (Odobenus rosmarus), both males and females have tusks.
   Andy Reid was unavailable for comment

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Another Festivus Miracle.

Early word out of Kiln Mississippi is that Brett Favre will waffle on returning for a record 4th off-season. When asked about Favre's lack of ability to make a decision, Trent Green was quoted as saying "Do I have a big bushy beard? Is my milk still good?"

Chmura strikes again.

The language of QBing and love go hand in hand

According to flower experts:

"White roses symbolize truth and innocence. They also represent silence, secrecy, reverence, humility, youthfulness and charm."

After reading that, I don't know if the dreamboat was bringing them to Gisele, Belichek, or judging by his attire, the family of the Russian mobster he just whacked.

Sex, or lifting weights?...

A guy I work with came in today and hypothesized that the number of accidents on the freeway in Milwaukee was so disproportionately high, that it was a direct result of hung over, depressed Packer fans. An NFC Championship game loss has apparently made us the Midwestern equivalent of Seattle, only with less "girly" lesbians.

"And think, I ordered my Brett Favre Baby Angel ring BEFORE the game..."

Monday, January 21, 2008

Everywhere around the world...

I gotta admit I had the Pack winning by 3. How is it that a prince from a make believe country in Africa saw this shit coming? Anyways, it's always nice to revisit a time when Eddie Murphy made funny movies.