Thursday, March 13, 2008

Memo to Vogue...



Please don't.

The New York Post has announced that the pompous ass wipes at Vogue magazine have found pimping anorexic chicks to be rather dreary. Instead the know-it-alls at Vogue will incorporate athletes in an annual issue devoted to size and shape, with Cavs star and cover boy LeBron James teaming with Gisele B√ľndchen. According to the Post this is groundbreaking, and might I add, sort of racist.

"This would break all the rules of a Vogue cover. Seldom does editrix Anna Wintour put on her cover: (a) more than one model, (b) a man, (c) a person of color."

Geraldine Ferraro thinks those remarks are out of order. Now you may be thinking, "If they've got LeBron on the cover, I can't wait to see who else made the issue." Yes you can. Get this, swimmer Michael Phelps, snowboarder Shaun White, and reality TV star/speed skater Apolo Anton Ono. Nice work you assholes. Team a superstar in a sport America cares about with a swimmer who can't handle his booze, a stoner, and whatever the hell Yoko's brother does. By the way Gisele, if LeBron hands you a baseball bat with no tape on it, let it be. TB might not think to highly of that.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."

Looks like John Daly found a way to get dumped by his coach...

"My whole goal for him was he's got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life," Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. "And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk."
"Look, these hookers ain't killing themselves, coach"
As if that wasn't enough rain on Daly's Molson/Nicotine parade..."All the guys I work with are working their [tails] off. John didn't have it. I like the kid, but he's got to get his head on straight. The partying and other shenanigans, if that's the way he wants to be, I don't choose to be a part of it."

Monday, March 10, 2008

Where we're going we don't need roads


So far the 2008 NFL free agency has been overshadowed by Spygate and the fact that Phil McConkey type talent is fetching Jerry Rice type coin. In spite of that it's heartwarming to see a couple of guys with depleted talent get generous contracts from their former teams. Warrick "I've built more houses than Katrina knocked down" Dunn is heading back to Tampa and Trent "I left my equilibrium in Houston" Green has found a home back in St Louis.

This is good for three reasons. One, Cadillac Williams should be on IR by week 4, which should allow Dunn plenty of snaps. Two, Trent Green will be able to see his kids graduate while not being concussed on the bench in St Louis. And three, I got to incorporate Back to the Future into this blog. Great Scott!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

I took last week off due to a new 50" Plasma. I put the baby oil and towels away. Here we go...

1. #4 Car - Hats off to Brett Favre. Greatest statistical QB of all time. While you broke my heart and took my excitement level for next season from a 9 to a 4, Wisconsin sports will forever have Minnesota sports trumped for greatest all time athelete. Any sport.

A. "Stay the fuck away, Chmura. These 2 are off limits."
B. Yeah, this probably beats road crunchies and multi-million dollar contracts...
C. "I know they're both mine, but i'll be damned if I can remember siring either one."
D. All of the above
2. - John Daly - Jon Gruden is your caddy, and my new favorite summertime drink is named after you. [Arnold Palmer (Iced Tea/Lemonade) + Lots o' Vodka] (ed. note  Is there any chance Gruden offered Daly a backup QB roster spot?)
3. - Wide Receivers - Are you friggin' kidding me with this free agency signings? I'm sure that Ike Bruce and Donte' Stallworth will pan out just fine. Lots of upside on that... P.S. Jacksonville Jaguars are no longer going to be my favorite AFC South team if they pick up another shit wide-out. I'm not kidding. Watch it, assholes.
4. - Houston Rockets - 16 wins? in a row? Really? Somebody wake up Tracy McGrady.
5. - Warrick Dunn - Why do I feel like I have to apologize for Dunn's unceremonious dismissal? I know teams need to move on, but come on, this guy is the Mother Theresa of the NFL. He's built a house for every single mother in Georgia. I'm serious, google it.