I know, I couldn't believe they offered me $37 million either!

Perennial fantasy fuck-up Lee Evans just got a four-year, $37.25 million contract extension Thursday which included $18.25 million in guarantees. Here we are in the midst of a $700 billion congressional and senate bail-out and a guy with one TD in four games becomes one of the highest paid receivers in the league. Fuck you Buffalo Bills mangement.

Boo effing hoo

Listen, I know what you're thinking. But we're taking the series back to Milwaukee and if there's anything that fires up multi-millionaire athletes it's the screaming adulation of 47,000 obscenely drunk fans. 

We played well, Sabbathia got caught sleeping on one pitch and it burned us bad. I'm now going to prepare my bed pan and cooler for the big game 3 tilt at Miller Park, the finest base-ball facility in North America, if not the world. Speaking of which...

"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE! AND BE ABSOLUTLEY FABULOUS!"

Tonight's Pick'em: Sarah got mad game

Brewers over Phillies- This isn't even a fair fight. Carsten Charles has been loading up on cheese steaks for the last 48 hours. He'll have enough carbs to take a victory lap wearing the Liberty Bell as a hat. Brett Meyers get rocked and calls another writer a "retard" during the post game. Boom, outta here. Memo to all Brewers, steer clear of the shitters after the 8th.

Cubs over Dodgers- This is basically a coin flip. Me thinks Big Z pitches well and the Cubs get the bats going. This pick is win-win for me personally. If the Cubs win I'm right. If they lose I get to watch their fans walk to the exits like they just took part in the world's first mass colonoscopy. I think Katie Couric would be pleased.

Biden over Palin- Palin's previous debate experience included a gubernatorial bloodbath between her and two other douche bags, who bickered for 2 hours. She stood off to the side, made some witty comments and never had to prove she had a grasp on the issues. To be honest, I'm hoping Palin falls flat on her face. I'd love to wake up tomorrow and see Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar gang banging Elisabeth Hasselbeck on this issue until she cries. I have to tell myself there's nothing wrong with watching The View to see people get emotionally hurt.

Let's get crazy we just beat them Cowboys!

Jim Zorn went back to the George Allen archives for this cheese-wiener celebration. Now that I think about it, Allen might have been the last Skins coach to win at Dallas. Seriously when was the last time those turds won in Dallas? Anyways I'm sure it was orange slices and Mountain Dew for the effort those boys put forth.

Ode to a dying breed...

One of my fondest childhood memories came at age 6 when was I sitting in the living room watching Slap Shot on our newfangled VCR. It was me, my old man, my little bro and two neighbor kids 7 years older than me. All of the sudden dad jumps up, kneels in front of the screen and starts beating on the TV like the reception was bad. My two neighbors were going ape-shit, "Get outta the way!", they chuckled. Years later I would discover that the old man had indeed prevented me from seeing my first topless woman, the bastard. Oh yes, at the tender age of 6 I had missed out on the Reg Dunlop-Hanrahan's wife topless pillow talk scene.

Paul Newman made plenty of great movies, but what seperates him from the jerkoff Hollywood headliners of today is the fact that he's a man's man. I mean honestly, if you hear anyone say they can relate to Brad Pitt or George Clooney punch that asshole in the mouth. Oh yeah, Paul also raised about a quarter of a billion dollars for various charitable causes, and you never saw him bragging about it. I can see why so many women wanted to sleep with this man. I mean that in a straight way ladies.

Schadenfreude, it feels so good...

Yes, the Brewers lost, but they looked OK doing it. Now those north-side cock tasters got ab-so-fucking-lutely drubbed on their own shitty, decrepit turf.

"Who would've thought I'd grow so attached to this team after just 2.5 months of being a fan?"

All the Amstel Light and North Face jackets in the world won't ease this pain, fuckers.

Witness a jaded town

Everyone meet Michelle. She's just your average Wrigleyviller throwin' back an Old Style(Amstel Light) before the NLDS at Wrigley. After sporting a league best regular season record the Cubbies reverted to shells of their last 100 years with a game one loss.

Note to Michizzle, your parents didn't pay good money for your education so you could relocate to the most superficial neighborhood in the Midwest and embrace a bunch of losers. And the Cubs too.

F. U. Cubs/Phillies

The last time the Crew was in the playoffs I was wearing diapers. We take even one of these games in Philly and i'm going to need them again I'll be so drunk for the Miller Park Playoff debut on Saturday night.

"Oy! This Manischewitz really burns the eyes, doesn't it? Oh you wonderful Goyam!"

The force is strong with this one...

So Doug Melvin is the Vader to Ned Yost's Captain Atilles?

This is really on milwaukeebrewers.com right now. Really.

WTF? This season has gone from embarrassing to nerd level embarrassing. What's the encore from this team? An atomic wedgie and a swirlie? I feel like we just got our books dumped in the hallway of the MLB regular season, just a few short steps away from the glory of the post-season.

Ah, Expectation Day!

Holy fuck. NFL Kick-Off '08 is finally here bitches! To commemorate this glorious day the NFL has a real treat in store for us. Usher, Keith Urban, and Natasha Blendingsomething are set to give a real shot of life to the crowd of thousands at Columbus Circle. If you can't make it to NY be sure to check out the action on nfl.com/kickoff. That is if you can get past the Forbidden Kingdom DVD commercial and watching Bill Cowher blubbering about his daughter's reaction to his Super Bowl victory. Let the perennial NFL commercialization juggernaut begin.

By the way, the NFL has a list of local establishments you can watch the opener at. If these people can't find anything better to in New York than watch Usher and Keith Urban pretend to be into each other's music, they'll need some guidance.

Ned Yost has his priorities straight

Brewers skipper Ned Yost is miffed that CC Sabathia got jobbed out of a no-hitter on Sunday at Pittsburgh. An error in the scorekeeper's judgement left Sabathia one hit away from a no-no. Sunday "was the day it should have been a no hitter," he said. "It takes away from that aspect. The celebration with your teammates, the excitement of the plane ride home, that's all gone. Whatever they call it they missed their opportunity to do it right."

You know what else is exciting on the plane ride home? Gaining ground on the team that's been leading your division for the entire summer.

That's sohhhh Swisha!

Yesterday John Donovan of cnnsi.com officially became responsible for wetting the panties of every baseball fan in the Windy City. But the drippiest undies of them all might reside in the trousers of White Sox outfielder Nick Swisher. When asked of the possibility of an all-Chicago World Series Nick appears to transform into a 16 year old girl, from 1999. "Oh my god. That would be am-aaa-zing," says the 27 year old. Swish goes on to further remove himself from his age group, "You know what it would be like? You know what it would be like? Like Varsity Blues. That movie? Where the town shuts down? That's exactly what it would be. Every bar, every sports bar, every pub would be absolutely packed. You couldn't move."

If this series comes to fruition, and the Sox win, I expect to see Swisher crack a couple bottles of Old Style and hose himself down, Tweeter style. Like amazing.

Jonesin' For A Fix

Bro, Three for $50. Three For $50. They got garbage down the way.

Well, he did it. Matt Jones was arrested early Thursday on felony drug charges as officers found him using an expired Truckers gift card to cut up presumably his cousin’s cocaine with two others in a parked SUV. Officers drew their guns after Jones rolled down his window and belligerently asked how much it would cost for a Z.J.

Jones became aggravated and wiped out the “Don’t you know who I am?” routine, and officers swiftly replied “yeah you’re that white guy that was suppose to be good so I drafted you on my fantasy team, but you ended up sucking for three years.” Then Jones dropped another pass and got hurt.

Easy there, big fella...

Richie Sexson has now solidified his place in the Man hall of Fame. Agression, power, and flailing gangly body parts. I bet he got 6 kinds of laid last night...

"Man, I wish that my first fight wasn't televised, I kind of looked like a fairy with that tackle"

Memo to Vogue...

Please don't.

The New York Post has announced that the pompous ass wipes at Vogue magazine have found pimping anorexic chicks to be rather dreary. Instead the know-it-alls at Vogue will incorporate athletes in an annual issue devoted to size and shape, with Cavs star and cover boy LeBron James teaming with Gisele Bündchen. According to the Post this is groundbreaking, and might I add, sort of racist.

"This would break all the rules of a Vogue cover. Seldom does editrix Anna Wintour put on her cover: (a) more than one model, (b) a man, (c) a person of color."

Geraldine Ferraro thinks those remarks are out of order. Now you may be thinking, "If they've got LeBron on the cover, I can't wait to see who else made the issue." Yes you can. Get this, swimmer Michael Phelps, snowboarder Shaun White, and reality TV star/speed skater Apolo Anton Ono. Nice work you assholes. Team a superstar in a sport America cares about with a swimmer who can't handle his booze, a stoner, and whatever the hell Yoko's brother does. By the way Gisele, if LeBron hands you a baseball bat with no tape on it, let it be. TB might not think to highly of that.

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."

Looks like John Daly found a way to get dumped by his coach...

"My whole goal for him was he's got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life," Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. "And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk."

"Look, these hookers ain't killing themselves, coach"

As if that wasn't enough rain on Daly's Molson/Nicotine parade..."All the guys I work with are working their [tails] off. John didn't have it. I like the kid, but he's got to get his head on straight. The partying and other shenanigans, if that's the way he wants to be, I don't choose to be a part of it."

Where we're going we don't need roads

So far the 2008 NFL free agency has been overshadowed by Spygate and the fact that Phil McConkey type talent is fetching Jerry Rice type coin. In spite of that it's heartwarming to see a couple of guys with depleted talent get generous contracts from their former teams. Warrick "I've built more houses than Katrina knocked down" Dunn is heading back to Tampa and Trent "I left my equilibrium in Houston" Green has found a home back in St Louis.

This is good for three reasons. One, Cadillac Williams should be on IR by week 4, which should allow Dunn plenty of snaps. Two, Trent Green will be able to see his kids graduate while not being concussed on the bench in St Louis. And three, I got to incorporate Back to the Future into this blog. Great Scott!

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

I took last week off due to a new 50" Plasma. I put the baby oil and towels away. Here we go...

1. #4 Car - Hats off to Brett Favre. Greatest statistical QB of all time. While you broke my heart and took my excitement level for next season from a 9 to a 4, Wisconsin sports will forever have Minnesota sports trumped for greatest all time athelete. Any sport.

A. "Stay the fuck away, Chmura. These 2 are off limits."

B. Yeah, this probably beats road crunchies and multi-million dollar contracts...

C. "I know they're both mine, but i'll be damned if I can remember siring either one."

D. All of the above

2. - John Daly - Jon Gruden is your caddy, and my new favorite summertime drink is named after you. [Arnold Palmer (Iced Tea/Lemonade) + Lots o' Vodka] (ed. note  Is there any chance Gruden offered Daly a backup QB roster spot?)

3. - Wide Receivers - Are you friggin' kidding me with this free agency signings? I'm sure that Ike Bruce and Donte' Stallworth will pan out just fine. Lots of upside on that... P.S. Jacksonville Jaguars are no longer going to be my favorite AFC South team if they pick up another shit wide-out. I'm not kidding. Watch it, assholes.

4. - Houston Rockets - 16 wins? in a row? Really? Somebody wake up Tracy McGrady.

5. - Warrick Dunn - Why do I feel like I have to apologize for Dunn's unceremonious dismissal? I know teams need to move on, but come on, this guy is the Mother Theresa of the NFL. He's built a house for every single mother in Georgia. I'm serious, google it.

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

You wouldn't believe the amount of work I can avoid creating lists of things. Enjoy!

1. Prince Fielder - Part of me (the part my dad raised) wants to crack a joke about the wide availability of excellent faux-chicken options now available to vegetarians, but i'm going to take the high road here and not deal in ugly stereotypes. Prince is claiming to feel better and have more energy now that he quit eating meat. 62 bombs out of the question this season?

"It's Korean for "I hate my Dad""

2. 11 year old boys - I guess all it takes to sink Roger Clemens' Scrabbleship is photographic evidence he attended a party thrown by Jose Canseco. Nice circle you ran with Rodge, did you spend winters in Columbia with Rick James?

3. Tiger Woods - I don't claim to know or care about golf, but this guy wakes up next to a woman that is both crazy hot and would have Hitler nod approvingly at, and shits birdies.

4. The Combine - If the whole "football" thing doesn't work out, NFL hopefuls can probably just set up shop in Indianapolis and settle for a dead-end manufacturing position and an overweight wife. 

5. Trading - All the movement in the NBA this week has me almost excited enough to watch a game! Almost...

25,000,001 Reasons to Live

I'm not a pro athlete or anything, but I imagine some celebrity hoops MVP hardware would soothe the pain of any colossal playoff failure. TO led some B-listers to victory over some other B-listers in a game that was filled with enough stereotyping to qualify as a pitch for a Wayans brothers project.


Taylor Hicks executing the classic mouth agape head fake. Might want to dish whitey. What? I'm just saying, he's got some gray lettuce.







"That's my friend Stacy. I got her some auditions in Hollywood, but after Charmed ended I had to steal the Sheer Cover infomercial from her. She's pretty cute, huh? If you introduce me to Luke, we could all double."








Balling against insignificant white and asian celebs is fun.













Terry Crews attempts to make amends for doing Soul Plane. Taylor Hicks might be buying it, but I'm sure as hell not.

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

An excuse for me to list things and make fun of them anyone? Read on...

1. Purple Jesus - Who would've thought that the second coming of Christ would wear horns? My only concern is awarding a black man a Cadillac for athletic achievement. Way to set the African American community back 50 years with a single thoughtless action, NFL.

When is the "Nubian Powerhouse" Christ statuette going to be available?

2. Pitchers/Catchers - All innuendo aside, with the state of the NBA today, i'm really pumped for both pitching AND catching.

3. Ryan Dempster - Boldly stated this week that the Cubs will break the 100 year World Series drought. This coming from the guy who's fans, IN CHICAGO mind you, refer to him as the "Cum Dempster". 

4. Devean George - Way to pull the ultimate cock block on the Kidd/Cuban circle jerk. What's this guys encore? A dramatic recreation of the Jason Kidd domestic abuse incident with the New Jersey Dramatic Player's Troupe, broadcast on Dallas public access?

5. President's day - Is this celebrating all Presidents? Or just the obviously racist/masoginistic models who are fluffed by patriotic history buffs? Either way who cares, I get the day off.

Belle of the Ball(s)

Brady Quinn was part of a group of men shouting insults at gay passers-by outside a Columbus bar early on New Year's Day, according to a 9-1-1 call made to police. The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill... The Mexican restaurant is next door to... one of Columbus' most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

One of these three men is now a known homophobe, yet all their collars are down...

On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that "Brady Quinn from the Browns" was "trying to cause a fight." Harris told the operator, "I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course."

Brady Quinn Sr. was unavailable for comment.

Time Outs? Who Needs ‘Em

A new line of Sports Diapers called “Sprints” has been tested and approved by the FDA this morning. Gerber Inc. (GBR) said in a news conference that their company is moving on to new horizons in the sports market. “Surely at the very least these sports diapers will save on time outs,” said Gerber CEO Wiley T. Square.

F.H. Hump Day Poll (Valentimes Edition):

Who do you want to make Sweet Love to the most?

Uno (KFC Winner), Juwanna Mann (WNBA Star), Magic Johnson (NBA Activist)

It's funny because it's true

I'm not going to categorize this as a shocking revelation, but Chris Berman loves the sound of his own voice, even during outakes. Calling Al Michaels fuckhead is pretty weak though. The only shocking revelation is that it apparently takes Boomer more than thirty-two seconds to come up with one of his patented unfunny play on names.

A 3 year deal, A 3 year deal

On Monday Minnesota hoops fans broke out in a rewarding round of laughter so loud, that it could've woke Amy Winehouse after a four day crack bender. It seems our old buddy Latrell Sprewell is in a bit of a financial crisis.

Former NBA star Latrell Sprewell's home is up for foreclosure and his yacht sold at auction to help pay off the $1.3 million he owes on the boat, according to court filings.

Sprewell, who once turned down a three-year,$21 million contract extension saying, "I've got my family to feed," has apparently fallen on tough times. RBS Citizens NA, or Citizens Bank, filed a foreclosure suit last week in Milwaukee County for the $405,000 home Sprewell bought in the Milwaukee suburb of River Hills in 1994.

Last month, Sprewell's 70-foot yacht, named "Milwaukee's Best," was sold at auction for $856,000 to a man from Milwaukee. It was originally worth about $1.5 million.
A federal marshal seized the boat last summer in Manitowoc, about 80 miles north of Milwaukee, where it was in storage.
Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press

"Make me an offer son. Cassell once had a threesome with Gary Payton and Penny Marshall right on the bow."

You know you're screwed when you can't afford a home in a Milwaukee suburb. I guess 21 million doesn't go as far as it used to. By the way, kudos to anyone who picks up on my Gilligan's Island pun.

Farewell Sweet Prince

It's a travesty that the "game face" clip didn't top this list. Either way I'm going to miss that surly son of a bitch.

More choking than a Briana Banks film

As a final wrap-up on the Superbowl, enjoy a Pat's fan. In misery.

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

How else would you know what is POWERFUL without this?

1. Shaunie O'Neal - Taking Diesel for half, and getting the entire city of Miami while Shaq gets shipped to the sweaty sphincter of America? You'll have to allow me a "You go girl!"

"Laugh it up big man, cause imma be handlin' more Cuban pork than a South Beach Deli."

2. The Ghost of Wellington Mara - Downside: You died before you saw your team win the big one with Eli. Upside: You had snuff film producer/connoiseur money.

3. Alternates - Congratulations to the Foot Ballers that will play the meaningless game this weekend. But remember, if it wasn't for Brady and Moss taking a pass to lotion each other's sore vaginas, you'd just be another millionaire athlete in Continental America.

4. Pau Gasol - May your European values be a beacon of light in your new home of plastic and fast talking. I give you 3 weeks until the news leaks that you're banging Fernando Valley porn starlets.

5. Michael Irvin - I think that there may be Teflon interlaced into this guy's DNA. Seriously, how is this guy NOT in jail?

Gonzalez invited to Cards camp, strains oblique

"I like White Woman"

On Monday the St. Louis Cardinals invited two-time MVP Juan Gonzalez to training camp as a non-roster player.

The 38-year-old Gonzalez last played in 2005 with the Cleveland Indians, when he injured his hamstring on the first at bat of the season. He has 434 career homers- one for each of his illegitimate children.

On Wednesday Gonzalez began rehabbing an oblique muscle that he strained while hanging up the phone after accepting the Cardinals invitation.

What's In A Name?

After much debate on what to call David Tyree's exhilarating catch in Super Bowl XLII, Sports Illustrated released their special Super Bowl issue yesterday dubbing, what might have been the greatest catch in SB history, "The Immaculate Snatch."
Women in the community are in an uproar stating that the cover of this magazine is vulgar and makes them feel vulnerable.
Moms everywhere are asking for the issue to be pulled from shelves.

Yes, it certainly seems to be raining shit on "Coop" Cooper

New England Patriots defensive back Willie Andrews pleaded not guilty to drug possession Tuesday, hours after authorities said they found him with a half-pound of marijuana. Andrews was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute and driving an unregistered motor vehicle. Prosecutors said he had $6,800 in cash, three bags of marijuana, and no means to smoke the drugs, unless you count the notepad in the console, and the erroneously pre-printed "Pats Win, Cap Perfect Season" Boston area newspapers in the back seat. We can only assume he was buying for an entire team, looking to numb themselves until sometime in June.

I can't argue. Drugs were introduced to the ghetto to keep the black man down...But if you can score some primo, and I mean PRIMO shit, then get a little for ol' BB. It really loosens up the married women.

They want to be a part of it, New York, New York!

"Hey Eli, let's see that beeeoootch take this in the divorce."

An eclectic mix of fair-whether fans, coked out stockbrokers, and dippy Manhattan school chums came out of the woodwork today in the Big Apple for a giant celebration(hehehe). That's right Roker, I didn't even watch the Today show this morning and I know that's how one you douchebags announced it to America, my money's on that obnoxious cougar Viera. New York is truly a melting pot. It doesn't matter what part of the world you're from, in this town you can jump on the bandwagon anytime, why just ask some dipshit soccer fan from Morocco...

Fans threw hats to the players, who signed them and threw them back. Mehdi Machkour, a 26-year-old restaurant worker from Brooklyn, wasn't quite sure which two players signed his hat. The native of Morocco is more of a soccer fan, but this day brought a big change.

"Now I love football," he said.

Spoken like a true New Yorker.

Horseshoes and Hand-Grenades.

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio reports that, if it turns out that former Patriots employee Matt Walsh has in possession video of the Rams’ final walk-through practice from Super Bowl XXXVI, New England head coach Bill Belichick will be suspended. For a year. 

In your face, jackass. Now next time take something to clear up your cold sores before doing interviews for the BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR.

Christ, tell Osi to try and mix in a glass of water here and there...

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

Here's our weekly list of the most powerful things in sports. Enjoy the big game...

1. Art Monk - Here's to hoping that 81 gets his bust in Canton, vindictive writers be damned... 

"Hey, when you guys let me down, you wanna go kick Peter King's fat ass?"

2. The Puppy Bowl - Less pooping than a night out with Osi Umenyora!!!

3. Lane Kiffin - Thanks for looking Al Davis in his Jewish Granny glasses and saying "Fuck You Old Man"

4. Little Brothers - Smart money is on Eli taking Jordan Palmer under his wing, and showing him the intricacies of looking completely dumbfounded.

5. Taking Monday off...For me, Superbowl 42 is like getting one last go round in with your Ex. You might be pissed about the situation, but tying one on and going for broke still feels good.

F*ck me...

Jesus H. Christ that stings.

You can skip the Superbowl...

Why watch the Pats mercilessly beat the Giants in HD, when you can see it in Tecmo Super Bowl 8-Bit glory?

The First Half

The Second Half

St. Luke’s Hospital to hold Celebrity Mercy Tournament for the Homeless.

Early August Event:
All proceeds will go to that guy who rides his girls bike on the railroad tracks. Among some of the more high profile Mercy competitors will be Shaquile O'Neal, Brett Favre, Arsenio Hall, and John "Step Right Up"Carney. "August 3rd will be a day of agony for some, and ironing for others" Shaq says.

F.H. Hump Day Poll:

Hey Billy, who'd you rather bone?

Deanna Favre or Princess Diana?

Santana CD's to be sold on eBay

Available for Batmitzvahs

Tuesday afternoon's deal involving Johan Santana set off a firestorm of activity in the Twins multimedia department. Shortly after the announcement, all Santana CD's were immediately removed, and set to be sold on eBay. There were some hugs and tears as "Smooth", "Black Magic Woman", Oye Como Va", and "Evil Ways" played for the last time.

Somewhere Carlos Santana was putting his hands together and bowing.

Gasolina? No mas.

The Twins traded a goatee that would make Tom Selleck wet for a bag of NY Mets chin pubes on Tuesday afternoon. It is surely raining shit on Minnesota sports fans. In what has become an almost annual tradition the "land of lakes" lost its third superstar in four years to a slob infested east coast city. Oh well, at least we didn't trade him to the Cowboys. We brought three Lombardi trophies to that toilet, and I still can't get laid in Texas.

KG makes rare 4th quarter appearance

Career fourth quarter Siegfried and Roy disciple Kevin Garnett stole the ball from Minnesota's Sebastian Telfair as time expired to seal an unimpressive 87-85 Celtics victory last night in Boston. Thank God the Celtics didn't need a score from #5 in the closing seconds, I don't know who he would've passed to now that Dean Garrett is retired.

"Dem titties was out to HERE!"

Watch yourself Danny Ainge. If the "Ticket" comes into your office and demands that you sign Joe Smith and Troy Hudson do what McHale wouldn't, politely close the door in his face.

Peyton on Eli: Don't sell him short...

In an interview given to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Peyton Manning claims that Superbowl 42 will not be the only appearance in the big game by his younger brother. Citing his knowledge of the game, receivers, youth and the physical gifts bestowed from their father, Manning refuses to believe that the tandem of brother's success is a fluke. This is clearly a sibling Superstar duo that will leave it's mark on the world like no other...

 

"Think anyone knows we killed Heath Ledger?"

"No, Just keep not eating..."

Deck the halls with balls of Rory

Tiger Woods agitator, and hair gel enthusiast Rory Sabbatini kicked off what should be a pretty nondescript 2008 PGA season this week. Rory's leader board status at the Buick Invitational dropped faster than Bruce Jenner's dignity after marrying into a family of whores, or Botox, or maybe it was a little bit of both. Nonetheless, the little guy couldn't stay in the hunt when he saw Tiger Woods began making the Torrey Pines course his bitch. I know how you feel Rory. In fact I had that same feeling today at the sub shop when some douchey office worker pulled out a list of sandos for every swingin' dick with a cubicle. Unfortunately there's nothing to do except look at the guy or player next to you and let out an "Ah, fuck me."

What's Your Soup Du Jour?

The Campbell Soup Company (CPB) released a statement today saying that they have fired current quarterback spokesperson Donovan McNabb and will be shopping for a new quarterback for their Fully Loaded line of Chunky soups. Campbell’s Fully Loaded line is said to be, “Packed, crammed, and jammed with extreme amounts of meat!” and that “Chunky Fully Loaded takes soup to the next level.” Vice President of Food Operations exec. Tom Gettsburg said, “Donovan’s numbers have been lack luster this season” and he “can’t see Donovan taking their soups to that next level in the future.” It is rumored that McNabb will be looking to work for the Minnesota based Hormel Foods Corp. (HML) next year. McNabb’s agent could not be reached for comment.

In related news, the revered Reverend Al Sharpton is calling for the community to boycott Campbell’s Soup. Stating that it is racist. “Until this company of debauchery and ratfinkery changes its racist ad from “In the Black Can” to the more politically correct “In the Afri-Can.””

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

We couldn't let you go into a weekend sans football without letting you know the most powerful things in the world of sports. Here's our breakdown...

1. Jim Brown: Scolding Tiger for not being angry enough AND KILLING MARTIANS!?! This guy should be Obama's running mate.

"The N-word is not acceptable on this planet, sir."

2. Lawrence Tynes: Thanks for ruining this week, next week and the Superbowl for me.

3. LaDanian Tomlinson: Moving to what many will consider the backside of his career=Better fantasy draft spot for me? (my league scores bonus points for sideline pouting)

4. Vinny Cerato: Proving that someone was taking notes from the Paulie Walnuts School of Style and Management.

5. Mouse will Play to cover 3 SOLID drunks, and 14 hours of Halo 3 against Cat's Away.

F.H. Off Topic - Floating Bags: Not as Beautiful As Once Thought

Flaming Homer headquarters received an anonymous tip today that evidentially short films capturing floating garbage bags in the wind are not as beautiful as they were in 1999.
An unidentified man claimed to have captured a two-minute video on his cell phone of a Super America bag that was blowing around a snow bank outside of his workplace. His apparent intention was to email the video to his long time girlfriend as an early Valentine’s Day present.
“(She) just watched it over my shoulder at our computer with this perplexed look and a crinkled up nose. Afterward she left the room without saying anything to me.” he said. “She just didn’t get it. She never gets it.” Adding, “It may have been because one of my work buddies uses the snow bank as a makeshift urinal sometimes, but I’m not sure.”
Ten years ago http://www.imdb.com/ reported the Floating Bag genre of videos made it to the number one way for someone who thinks deeply to express their own creativity.

RETRACTION: Simpson/Romo still on

Apparently we jumped the gun on the split. Cheers to the happy couple. May she bring the Smiley Coyote many more years of big game chicken choking.

"You see darling, it's a fine balance of lubrication and cocaine."

BREAKING NEWS: Romo/Simpson Part ways

Acclaimed smiler, and playoff choke artist, Tony Romo, has sent Jessica Simpson packing. Insiders sight Romo's lack of "confidence" as a sore spot for Simpson's unsatiable sexual appetite (or so my penis speculates).

"So wait...The dead baby shark goes where?"

Marko Jaric--2008 NBA Man of the Year

Amid the spectacle of the two week Xanax fest that is the Super Bowl layover, there is sure to be plenty of who's banging who dish. Tom Brady's got Gisele to dress him in effeminate boots, while the big, blue, defecation machine(allegedly) Osi Umenyiora is getting all loose booty on V.S. model Selita Ebanks. Too bad neither of these two "winners" have shit on Marko Jaric. The Minnesota Celtics swing man is shacking up with another V.S. wax er, Adriana Lima.

"Coach, you've got to get a wiff of this pie."

7 and 34 doesn't sound so bad now, huh dildo? Look, anyone playing in the Super Bowl is bound to pull some ass, but to be pulling it on a semi-pro NBA squad and be eastern European? Hell. That's the stuff heroes are made of.