WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

How else would you know what is POWERFUL without this?

1. Shaunie O'Neal - Taking Diesel for half, and getting the entire city of Miami while Shaq gets shipped to the sweaty sphincter of America? You'll have to allow me a "You go girl!"

"Laugh it up big man, cause imma be handlin' more Cuban pork than a South Beach Deli."

2. The Ghost of Wellington Mara - Downside: You died before you saw your team win the big one with Eli. Upside: You had snuff film producer/connoiseur money.

3. Alternates - Congratulations to the Foot Ballers that will play the meaningless game this weekend. But remember, if it wasn't for Brady and Moss taking a pass to lotion each other's sore vaginas, you'd just be another millionaire athlete in Continental America.

4. Pau Gasol - May your European values be a beacon of light in your new home of plastic and fast talking. I give you 3 weeks until the news leaks that you're banging Fernando Valley porn starlets.

5. Michael Irvin - I think that there may be Teflon interlaced into this guy's DNA. Seriously, how is this guy NOT in jail?

Gonzalez invited to Cards camp, strains oblique

"I like White Woman"

On Monday the St. Louis Cardinals invited two-time MVP Juan Gonzalez to training camp as a non-roster player.

The 38-year-old Gonzalez last played in 2005 with the Cleveland Indians, when he injured his hamstring on the first at bat of the season. He has 434 career homers- one for each of his illegitimate children.

On Wednesday Gonzalez began rehabbing an oblique muscle that he strained while hanging up the phone after accepting the Cardinals invitation.

What's In A Name?

After much debate on what to call David Tyree's exhilarating catch in Super Bowl XLII, Sports Illustrated released their special Super Bowl issue yesterday dubbing, what might have been the greatest catch in SB history, "The Immaculate Snatch."
Women in the community are in an uproar stating that the cover of this magazine is vulgar and makes them feel vulnerable.
Moms everywhere are asking for the issue to be pulled from shelves.

Yes, it certainly seems to be raining shit on "Coop" Cooper

New England Patriots defensive back Willie Andrews pleaded not guilty to drug possession Tuesday, hours after authorities said they found him with a half-pound of marijuana. Andrews was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute and driving an unregistered motor vehicle. Prosecutors said he had $6,800 in cash, three bags of marijuana, and no means to smoke the drugs, unless you count the notepad in the console, and the erroneously pre-printed "Pats Win, Cap Perfect Season" Boston area newspapers in the back seat. We can only assume he was buying for an entire team, looking to numb themselves until sometime in June.

I can't argue. Drugs were introduced to the ghetto to keep the black man down...But if you can score some primo, and I mean PRIMO shit, then get a little for ol' BB. It really loosens up the married women.

They want to be a part of it, New York, New York!

"Hey Eli, let's see that beeeoootch take this in the divorce."

An eclectic mix of fair-whether fans, coked out stockbrokers, and dippy Manhattan school chums came out of the woodwork today in the Big Apple for a giant celebration(hehehe). That's right Roker, I didn't even watch the Today show this morning and I know that's how one you douchebags announced it to America, my money's on that obnoxious cougar Viera. New York is truly a melting pot. It doesn't matter what part of the world you're from, in this town you can jump on the bandwagon anytime, why just ask some dipshit soccer fan from Morocco...

Fans threw hats to the players, who signed them and threw them back. Mehdi Machkour, a 26-year-old restaurant worker from Brooklyn, wasn't quite sure which two players signed his hat. The native of Morocco is more of a soccer fan, but this day brought a big change.

"Now I love football," he said.

Spoken like a true New Yorker.

Horseshoes and Hand-Grenades.

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio reports that, if it turns out that former Patriots employee Matt Walsh has in possession video of the Rams’ final walk-through practice from Super Bowl XXXVI, New England head coach Bill Belichick will be suspended. For a year. 

In your face, jackass. Now next time take something to clear up your cold sores before doing interviews for the BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR.

Christ, tell Osi to try and mix in a glass of water here and there...

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

Here's our weekly list of the most powerful things in sports. Enjoy the big game...

1. Art Monk - Here's to hoping that 81 gets his bust in Canton, vindictive writers be damned... 

"Hey, when you guys let me down, you wanna go kick Peter King's fat ass?"

2. The Puppy Bowl - Less pooping than a night out with Osi Umenyora!!!

3. Lane Kiffin - Thanks for looking Al Davis in his Jewish Granny glasses and saying "Fuck You Old Man"

4. Little Brothers - Smart money is on Eli taking Jordan Palmer under his wing, and showing him the intricacies of looking completely dumbfounded.

5. Taking Monday off...For me, Superbowl 42 is like getting one last go round in with your Ex. You might be pissed about the situation, but tying one on and going for broke still feels good.