I know, I couldn't believe they offered me $37 million either!

Perennial fantasy fuck-up Lee Evans just got a four-year, $37.25 million contract extension Thursday which included $18.25 million in guarantees. Here we are in the midst of a $700 billion congressional and senate bail-out and a guy with one TD in four games becomes one of the highest paid receivers in the league. Fuck you Buffalo Bills mangement.

Boo effing hoo

Listen, I know what you're thinking. But we're taking the series back to Milwaukee and if there's anything that fires up multi-millionaire athletes it's the screaming adulation of 47,000 obscenely drunk fans. 

We played well, Sabbathia got caught sleeping on one pitch and it burned us bad. I'm now going to prepare my bed pan and cooler for the big game 3 tilt at Miller Park, the finest base-ball facility in North America, if not the world. Speaking of which...

"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE! AND BE ABSOLUTLEY FABULOUS!"

Tonight's Pick'em: Sarah got mad game

Brewers over Phillies- This isn't even a fair fight. Carsten Charles has been loading up on cheese steaks for the last 48 hours. He'll have enough carbs to take a victory lap wearing the Liberty Bell as a hat. Brett Meyers get rocked and calls another writer a "retard" during the post game. Boom, outta here. Memo to all Brewers, steer clear of the shitters after the 8th.

Cubs over Dodgers- This is basically a coin flip. Me thinks Big Z pitches well and the Cubs get the bats going. This pick is win-win for me personally. If the Cubs win I'm right. If they lose I get to watch their fans walk to the exits like they just took part in the world's first mass colonoscopy. I think Katie Couric would be pleased.

Biden over Palin- Palin's previous debate experience included a gubernatorial bloodbath between her and two other douche bags, who bickered for 2 hours. She stood off to the side, made some witty comments and never had to prove she had a grasp on the issues. To be honest, I'm hoping Palin falls flat on her face. I'd love to wake up tomorrow and see Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar gang banging Elisabeth Hasselbeck on this issue until she cries. I have to tell myself there's nothing wrong with watching The View to see people get emotionally hurt.

Let's get crazy we just beat them Cowboys!

Jim Zorn went back to the George Allen archives for this cheese-wiener celebration. Now that I think about it, Allen might have been the last Skins coach to win at Dallas. Seriously when was the last time those turds won in Dallas? Anyways I'm sure it was orange slices and Mountain Dew for the effort those boys put forth.

Ode to a dying breed...

One of my fondest childhood memories came at age 6 when was I sitting in the living room watching Slap Shot on our newfangled VCR. It was me, my old man, my little bro and two neighbor kids 7 years older than me. All of the sudden dad jumps up, kneels in front of the screen and starts beating on the TV like the reception was bad. My two neighbors were going ape-shit, "Get outta the way!", they chuckled. Years later I would discover that the old man had indeed prevented me from seeing my first topless woman, the bastard. Oh yes, at the tender age of 6 I had missed out on the Reg Dunlop-Hanrahan's wife topless pillow talk scene.

Paul Newman made plenty of great movies, but what seperates him from the jerkoff Hollywood headliners of today is the fact that he's a man's man. I mean honestly, if you hear anyone say they can relate to Brad Pitt or George Clooney punch that asshole in the mouth. Oh yeah, Paul also raised about a quarter of a billion dollars for various charitable causes, and you never saw him bragging about it. I can see why so many women wanted to sleep with this man. I mean that in a straight way ladies.

Schadenfreude, it feels so good...

Yes, the Brewers lost, but they looked OK doing it. Now those north-side cock tasters got ab-so-fucking-lutely drubbed on their own shitty, decrepit turf.

"Who would've thought I'd grow so attached to this team after just 2.5 months of being a fan?"

All the Amstel Light and North Face jackets in the world won't ease this pain, fuckers.

Witness a jaded town

Everyone meet Michelle. She's just your average Wrigleyviller throwin' back an Old Style(Amstel Light) before the NLDS at Wrigley. After sporting a league best regular season record the Cubbies reverted to shells of their last 100 years with a game one loss.

Note to Michizzle, your parents didn't pay good money for your education so you could relocate to the most superficial neighborhood in the Midwest and embrace a bunch of losers. And the Cubs too.

F. U. Cubs/Phillies

The last time the Crew was in the playoffs I was wearing diapers. We take even one of these games in Philly and i'm going to need them again I'll be so drunk for the Miller Park Playoff debut on Saturday night.

"Oy! This Manischewitz really burns the eyes, doesn't it? Oh you wonderful Goyam!"

The force is strong with this one...

So Doug Melvin is the Vader to Ned Yost's Captain Atilles?

This is really on milwaukeebrewers.com right now. Really.

WTF? This season has gone from embarrassing to nerd level embarrassing. What's the encore from this team? An atomic wedgie and a swirlie? I feel like we just got our books dumped in the hallway of the MLB regular season, just a few short steps away from the glory of the post-season.

Ah, Expectation Day!

Holy fuck. NFL Kick-Off '08 is finally here bitches! To commemorate this glorious day the NFL has a real treat in store for us. Usher, Keith Urban, and Natasha Blendingsomething are set to give a real shot of life to the crowd of thousands at Columbus Circle. If you can't make it to NY be sure to check out the action on nfl.com/kickoff. That is if you can get past the Forbidden Kingdom DVD commercial and watching Bill Cowher blubbering about his daughter's reaction to his Super Bowl victory. Let the perennial NFL commercialization juggernaut begin.

By the way, the NFL has a list of local establishments you can watch the opener at. If these people can't find anything better to in New York than watch Usher and Keith Urban pretend to be into each other's music, they'll need some guidance.

Ned Yost has his priorities straight

Brewers skipper Ned Yost is miffed that CC Sabathia got jobbed out of a no-hitter on Sunday at Pittsburgh. An error in the scorekeeper's judgement left Sabathia one hit away from a no-no. Sunday "was the day it should have been a no hitter," he said. "It takes away from that aspect. The celebration with your teammates, the excitement of the plane ride home, that's all gone. Whatever they call it they missed their opportunity to do it right."

You know what else is exciting on the plane ride home? Gaining ground on the team that's been leading your division for the entire summer.

That's sohhhh Swisha!

Yesterday John Donovan of cnnsi.com officially became responsible for wetting the panties of every baseball fan in the Windy City. But the drippiest undies of them all might reside in the trousers of White Sox outfielder Nick Swisher. When asked of the possibility of an all-Chicago World Series Nick appears to transform into a 16 year old girl, from 1999. "Oh my god. That would be am-aaa-zing," says the 27 year old. Swish goes on to further remove himself from his age group, "You know what it would be like? You know what it would be like? Like Varsity Blues. That movie? Where the town shuts down? That's exactly what it would be. Every bar, every sports bar, every pub would be absolutely packed. You couldn't move."

If this series comes to fruition, and the Sox win, I expect to see Swisher crack a couple bottles of Old Style and hose himself down, Tweeter style. Like amazing.

Jonesin' For A Fix

Bro, Three for $50. Three For $50. They got garbage down the way.

Well, he did it. Matt Jones was arrested early Thursday on felony drug charges as officers found him using an expired Truckers gift card to cut up presumably his cousin’s cocaine with two others in a parked SUV. Officers drew their guns after Jones rolled down his window and belligerently asked how much it would cost for a Z.J.

Jones became aggravated and wiped out the “Don’t you know who I am?” routine, and officers swiftly replied “yeah you’re that white guy that was suppose to be good so I drafted you on my fantasy team, but you ended up sucking for three years.” Then Jones dropped another pass and got hurt.

Easy there, big fella...

Richie Sexson has now solidified his place in the Man hall of Fame. Agression, power, and flailing gangly body parts. I bet he got 6 kinds of laid last night...

"Man, I wish that my first fight wasn't televised, I kind of looked like a fairy with that tackle"

Memo to Vogue...

Please don't.

The New York Post has announced that the pompous ass wipes at Vogue magazine have found pimping anorexic chicks to be rather dreary. Instead the know-it-alls at Vogue will incorporate athletes in an annual issue devoted to size and shape, with Cavs star and cover boy LeBron James teaming with Gisele Bündchen. According to the Post this is groundbreaking, and might I add, sort of racist.

"This would break all the rules of a Vogue cover. Seldom does editrix Anna Wintour put on her cover: (a) more than one model, (b) a man, (c) a person of color."

Geraldine Ferraro thinks those remarks are out of order. Now you may be thinking, "If they've got LeBron on the cover, I can't wait to see who else made the issue." Yes you can. Get this, swimmer Michael Phelps, snowboarder Shaun White, and reality TV star/speed skater Apolo Anton Ono. Nice work you assholes. Team a superstar in a sport America cares about with a swimmer who can't handle his booze, a stoner, and whatever the hell Yoko's brother does. By the way Gisele, if LeBron hands you a baseball bat with no tape on it, let it be. TB might not think to highly of that.

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."

Looks like John Daly found a way to get dumped by his coach...

"My whole goal for him was he's got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life," Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. "And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk."

"Look, these hookers ain't killing themselves, coach"

As if that wasn't enough rain on Daly's Molson/Nicotine parade..."All the guys I work with are working their [tails] off. John didn't have it. I like the kid, but he's got to get his head on straight. The partying and other shenanigans, if that's the way he wants to be, I don't choose to be a part of it."

Where we're going we don't need roads

So far the 2008 NFL free agency has been overshadowed by Spygate and the fact that Phil McConkey type talent is fetching Jerry Rice type coin. In spite of that it's heartwarming to see a couple of guys with depleted talent get generous contracts from their former teams. Warrick "I've built more houses than Katrina knocked down" Dunn is heading back to Tampa and Trent "I left my equilibrium in Houston" Green has found a home back in St Louis.

This is good for three reasons. One, Cadillac Williams should be on IR by week 4, which should allow Dunn plenty of snaps. Two, Trent Green will be able to see his kids graduate while not being concussed on the bench in St Louis. And three, I got to incorporate Back to the Future into this blog. Great Scott!

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

I took last week off due to a new 50" Plasma. I put the baby oil and towels away. Here we go...

1. #4 Car - Hats off to Brett Favre. Greatest statistical QB of all time. While you broke my heart and took my excitement level for next season from a 9 to a 4, Wisconsin sports will forever have Minnesota sports trumped for greatest all time athelete. Any sport.

A. "Stay the fuck away, Chmura. These 2 are off limits."

B. Yeah, this probably beats road crunchies and multi-million dollar contracts...

C. "I know they're both mine, but i'll be damned if I can remember siring either one."

D. All of the above

2. - John Daly - Jon Gruden is your caddy, and my new favorite summertime drink is named after you. [Arnold Palmer (Iced Tea/Lemonade) + Lots o' Vodka] (ed. note  Is there any chance Gruden offered Daly a backup QB roster spot?)

3. - Wide Receivers - Are you friggin' kidding me with this free agency signings? I'm sure that Ike Bruce and Donte' Stallworth will pan out just fine. Lots of upside on that... P.S. Jacksonville Jaguars are no longer going to be my favorite AFC South team if they pick up another shit wide-out. I'm not kidding. Watch it, assholes.

4. - Houston Rockets - 16 wins? in a row? Really? Somebody wake up Tracy McGrady.

5. - Warrick Dunn - Why do I feel like I have to apologize for Dunn's unceremonious dismissal? I know teams need to move on, but come on, this guy is the Mother Theresa of the NFL. He's built a house for every single mother in Georgia. I'm serious, google it.

WEEKEND POWER RANKINGS!

You wouldn't believe the amount of work I can avoid creating lists of things. Enjoy!

1. Prince Fielder - Part of me (the part my dad raised) wants to crack a joke about the wide availability of excellent faux-chicken options now available to vegetarians, but i'm going to take the high road here and not deal in ugly stereotypes. Prince is claiming to feel better and have more energy now that he quit eating meat. 62 bombs out of the question this season?

"It's Korean for "I hate my Dad""

2. 11 year old boys - I guess all it takes to sink Roger Clemens' Scrabbleship is photographic evidence he attended a party thrown by Jose Canseco. Nice circle you ran with Rodge, did you spend winters in Columbia with Rick James?

3. Tiger Woods - I don't claim to know or care about golf, but this guy wakes up next to a woman that is both crazy hot and would have Hitler nod approvingly at, and shits birdies.

4. The Combine - If the whole "football" thing doesn't work out, NFL hopefuls can probably just set up shop in Indianapolis and settle for a dead-end manufacturing position and an overweight wife. 

5. Trading - All the movement in the NBA this week has me almost excited enough to watch a game! Almost...

25,000,001 Reasons to Live

I'm not a pro athlete or anything, but I imagine some celebrity hoops MVP hardware would soothe the pain of any colossal playoff failure. TO led some B-listers to victory over some other B-listers in a game that was filled with enough stereotyping to qualify as a pitch for a Wayans brothers project.


Taylor Hicks executing the classic mouth agape head fake. Might want to dish whitey. What? I'm just saying, he's got some gray lettuce.







"That's my friend Stacy. I got her some auditions in Hollywood, but after Charmed ended I had to steal the Sheer Cover infomercial from her. She's pretty cute, huh? If you introduce me to Luke, we could all double."








Balling against insignificant white and asian celebs is fun.













Terry Crews attempts to make amends for doing Soul Plane. Taylor Hicks might be buying it, but I'm sure as hell not.